*~Broken Promises~*

Wednesday, July 28, 2004

[[My '' HOME '']]

I was so tired the whole week as I haven been resting enough and finally get a chance to have a good sleep since 9.30pm and guess what, I was awaken by the sweetest nitemare in my house again. 2am in the morning and they can still grumble, I have not seen my brother flare up after so long, so i keep quiet and listen and listen .. finally moi mum arrow shot me.. say must save this and that say she not working must depend on us and no one cares for her ... I really can no longer understand her thinking.. NO one can.. She have changed totally since she went out working 12 years back when that idiot stopped working. I know she suffered a lot that is why I always try to let her nag.. but i cant control my emotions lately.. I feel fucked up whenever I come home cos she knows my brother and I will be there to take care of her or side her when she quarrel with him and hence she will try to nag and nag whenever we are around . That guy has a hot temper and when he cannot stand her nagging they will quarrel or fight =.='' Both of them add up almost a hundred years and they cannot think .. wtf~~

My mum doesnt know she has been getting on my nerve lately.. I dun expect anything just hoping to come back home after a tired day, I can have a quiet place to rest. It has been 12 fooking years since he worked and if he wanted to change he would not need to wait till now so what is the point of grumbling every now and then.. It makes me feel so pissed and when I cant control my emotion I would flare up and then she would say I dun care about her anymore. Isnt is unreasonable?

Not that I have not spoken to her over how I feel nicely but things just cant get into her.. Was supposed to collect keys from my cousin on thursday or friday but i sms her just now telling I wanna get it by tomolo.. I feel pai seh to go disturb my cousin but i really cannot stay in this place any longer... I always respect my mum cos she suffered alot to bring us up but I dunno is it her menopause or whatever making her real cranky .. I never felt any warmth in this home since 9 years old, and ever since I moved out to the hostel three years plus back, my house is just like a hotel to me .. I wander from place to place .. now i also cannot find a place which I can call it my home .. Jia lat cant sleep now, tomolo sure stone stone *haiz* when can all these crap be gone?

Hmm guess I gotta live with it for some time but feel kind of bad ranting to my fwen in irc ..guess they have being seeing me ranting very frequently lately really feel pai seh .. Will try to control cos I know everyone have their own problem should not try to bother them with more problems *control her emotion*

If nothing goes wrong I should be able to shift in to my new place by this weekend ... Hope things would be much better for me at my cousin place but that is still now my own place so shall see how everything goes in the near future . Next thing on my to do list would be to get a second job as soon as possible *pray hard* Guess that will be all for now, feeling much better now after cooling down.

Thought of you at... |2:40 AM|

_____________

Saturday, July 24, 2004

[[I am a French flavour~~~]]

Your Icecream Flavour is...
French Vanilla!

You're a smooth and silky suave type! You exude class and you believe in tradition. A classical taste who doesn't like things to be too flashy or showy. Climb the Eiffel tower of taste with a spoonfull of you! Oui Oui!

What is your Icecream Flavour?
Find out at Go Quiz

haha I am a French ice cream.. woohoo.. Was browsing through my frenz's blog and saw this cute quiz so I went to take since I got nothing to do.. haha.. I also dunno true or not ..what do u all think?

Hmm yesterday went out with a frenz (super nice singer) .. then met up with berry ad yaoqing for KTV sessionn.. wooohoo really enjoyed it sia cos I din wanna waste my weekend at home.. so sing n sing n sing ..then we walk to somewhere to sit down and chat... we rattle on and on till about two plus and berry say she is tired so we went home separately :P

Went home and went online check my mail and chat till 7 in the morning... then it started raining..was like a call sign for me to go oink oink and since the weather is so cooling, I no longer can resisit the temptation *hiak hiak* . Slept till afternoon and nua on bed the whole day , wake up then watch tv and came online till just now then I go cook dinner.. really enjoyed cooking cos I like to see people finishing up the food I cook hehe :P

Okie that is all for now, will update later cos I got nothing to dooooooo.. Guess I will go do up my dolphin puzzle since I am so bo liao :P

Thought of you at... |8:36 PM|

_____________

Tuesday, July 20, 2004

[[Life has screwed me up totally~~~]]

Everything was well till my phone service was kena disrupted this afternoon. The first thing that came to my mind was: Fuck! He must have not been paying for his phone and I was correct .. If the line was under my name I would have cut of his usage and his line BUT it is not .. My line is under his name due to some idiotic reasons years back and I have been using this number for so long it is so troublesome to change a new number..

Arghhhh life is so fucked up ever since I finish my exam nothing good is surrounding me other than a fact that I found a job and have graduated. Ever since my friend got into trouble the day I finish my last exam nothing good has happened. I can vivdly quote every single bad experienced I have gone through the past one month plus. Just recovered from a bad flu and now shitty things happen.. Why do I need to always care for my family giving every single bit of me to them but none of them ever appreciate me? WHY??? Argh I always say that but when something happen to my Mum and Brother I will always be there and if I could I would give them the best of what they want cos I know mum suffered alot for the two of us.. But this heavy responsibility of taking care of the family is killing me day by dayyy .. Why can others just go and buy a LV walllet that is worth $300+ and I cant even handle all my daily bills and tuition fee loans? I haven been wasting a single cent of my pay on unnecessary things and have not even gotten anything for myself after I got my first pay.. Grr Yes I am ranting now.. I haven rantz for so fiaking long and now I just wanna release everything... I dun ask for alot just hope that things can go smoothly for me but why is it the other way round in reality.. why is things happening one after another.. Mum went for operation and cant work for one month plus, brother starting school, need to start paying bank loans, rented house giving me trouble, TV spoil and today HP service kena disrupted.. Kaozzzzzzz what more is coming man!!!! Arghhhh

I dun mind not spending money on myself and giving more than half of my pay to my family but why cant thing just go on smooothlyyyy?? WHYYYYYY??? Why is life so screwed up for me? arghhhhh *Screams*

Quoting from my friend blog: Its really getting harder and harder to control the emotions I have in me. Its more eruptive than Honalulu's volcanoes and it'll just go off anytime. YES!! It can go off anytime anywhere any moment!!!My moodswing has never been so bad and I really mean BAD... Okie I have rantz enough.. Will continue ranting later :(

Thought of you at... |9:03 PM|

_____________

Sunday, July 18, 2004

[[A new blog design ]]

Another day has passed just like that. I have not done anything fulfilling and has just idled my time away but looking at the bright side I have made full use of my scv cable by going online for quite a long time and also have not spent a single cent this two days :) quite an achievement ya :p

I have also change my blog design.. This one look so much brighter and cheerful as compared to the other design which was more dull. Hope my life would also brighten up like this blog layout. Was thinking I really need to do something about my life. Cannot idle my life away just like that, I wanted to learn baking and knitting... hehe

Actually was thinking should I go find someone and get married and be a tai tai ? Will I be satisfied with that type of life? Start a business? Hmm But I got no money to set up business haha Katherine what is it that you want in your life? Have you played enough and worked hard enuff?

Guess it is time to settle down and do some organising to my life and works towards my aim .. My happy family and probably a car to let me go around at night cos I simply love the night life.. It is so calm and tranquil at night :) I always hope I can have a car and can drive myself or friend around to any place for coffee.. ahaha I m just like a vampire haha only alive at night :P

Thought of you at... |8:01 PM|

_____________

Saturday, July 17, 2004

[[My messy life]]

3.13 am in the morning and I am having mood swings again. Realised my mood if getting more and more weird as times goes by. Have been having coffee for two consecutive days, enjoy the relaxing moment when I just sit by the cafe and chat cos for the few moments all worries are gone. However whenever I am alone or late at night, thoughts started runnng through my head again. Ever since I started work, so many things come onto me at the same time, be it relationship, family or myself. Wish i could go back to study but I cant.

Few weeks back I felt so lost and useless, never in my life has I been so down. I been through many things since I was 9 and that was the turning point of my life. My life change cos of an incident and has affected my thinking and character since then. It was tough but I managed to pull through but I am really tired this time. Feel as though I got no energy to move on. Very tired of the type of life I am leading. I appear as a happy go lucky, mature girl to others but who really understands what am I thinking. I never really talk to others about my problem. I always keep it to myself and my diary. Countless nights I have spents crying with my pillow and falling asleep with my tears but the next day I will be fine, but thing seems different lately. My down days exceeded my happy day and I no longer smile as much as I used to.

What do I really look for in my life? What is it that I really want? Money, relationship, Friends??? I really dunno. Nothing seem to be able to bring me back to life. I have been a really guai student before and also had my fair share of wild times at the clubbing scences which added colours to my life and I never regret having to live till now no matter how hard life was for me. I never thought I was pitiful cos there are always people who are leading a tougher life than me but I have really been feeling so down :(

Remember i was on my way home on the day of the blackout day. Was so damn depressing. I never allow myself to cry in public. I rem I took bus 198 and was going back to my rented house and ourposely choose the second level seat and went to the back and without noticing tears roll down my cheeks. I no longer can control the stress, the helplessness and frustration in me hence I burst out. Then the streets suddenly blackout and when I reach my area I get off the bus and walk in total darkness while vehicles passed by me and the more I walk the more depress and the louder I cry cos I know no one can see my crying so I cried my way home.

3.38 am and I am still typing, I got no idea what I wanna say and just keep typing. Arghhh really sux. Have been sick for a week and still not well. grrrrrrr never have I been so guai to go and see doctor and eat medicine, but I really did this time cos got to work. End up still did not get well really sucky. Hope tommorrow will be a better day :)

Thought of you at... |3:13 AM|

_____________